When Your Child's Identity Becomes Your Inconvenient Truth

A Response to "My Beautiful Son"

Photo by David Gomez on Unsplash

Well, folks, we've got ourselves another parent who's discovered the most shocking truth of all: their child is a whole separate person with their own identity. I know, I know; nobody warned them this could happen when they signed up for the parenting gig.

Ruby over at their blog has penned a seven-part tragedy about their "beautiful son" who was apparently kidnapped by the nefarious "trans cult." You know, that shadowy organization that meets in... checks notes... online support groups and therapy offices. Real cloak-and-dagger stuff.

Let's walk through this tale of woe together, shall we? And maybe, just maybe, we'll discover the real inconvenient truth hiding in plain sight.

Part 1: The Setup, or "Everything Was Perfect Until It Wasn't"

Ruby starts their story like every parent who can't accept their trans child: with a nostalgic montage of the Good Old Days™. Their child loved jumping from heights! They climbed rocks! They were perfect when they were performing masculinity to Ruby's satisfaction!

But then—gasp—depression happened. Self-harm happened. And worst of all (according to Ruby's hierarchy of concerns), their child started taking estrogen.

Now, here's where we need to pause and have a little chat about correlation and causation. Ruby seems to think the timeline goes:

happy child → discovers trans identity → becomes depressed.

But what if, and stick with me here, it actually goes like this:

child experiences gender dysphoria → becomes depressed from
lack of support → finally finds words to express their identity → parent rejects that identity → depression worsens?

The research backs this up. According to the Trevor Project's 2023 National Survey, transgender and nonbinary youth who felt high social support from their family reported attempting suicide at less than half the rate of those who felt low or moderate social support[1].

But Ruby expects us to either accept their child's identity (the horror!) or see them as a "threat to women." Notice how there's no option for "listen to your child and get them proper support"? That's some quality false dichotomy right there.

Part 2: The Bullying Years, or "We Tried Nothing and We're All Out of Ideas"

In part two, Ruby tells us their child was bullied at school. They wouldn't share details. They wouldn't let Ruby intervene. Gee, I wonder why a kid being bullied might not trust a parent who later publicly misgenders them in a four-part blog series?

Ruby mentions their child had an autistic friend who understood them. This friendship was important—until the friend moved away. Then Ruby's child started shutting down communication.

Here's an inconvenient truth for Ruby: autistic people are more likely to be gender diverse than neurotypical people[2]. Maybe that friend was one of the few people who actually understood and accepted Ruby's child for who they were. Maybe losing that support was devastating. But no, surely it must be the Trans Cult™ recruiting through... checks notes again... geometry and friendship.

Ruby also mentions limiting screen time and keeping computers out of bedrooms. Because nothing says "I trust my child" like treating technology like it's radioactive. They wanted their child "outside, in nature," which is lovely, but you know what else is natural? Being transgender. It occurs across cultures, throughout history, and even in other species[3].

Part 3: The Text Message Heard 'Round the House

Here's where it gets really interesting. Ruby's child came out to them via text message. While they were in the same house. From downstairs.

Now, some might see this as a sign that the child didn't feel safe having this conversation face-to-face. But Ruby? Ruby went right downstairs to... well, to do what every parent in denial does: assume it's a phase.

Ruby then discovered Mermaids, a UK charity supporting gender-diverse youth and their families. They describe finding "misleading or false" statistics, though they don't specify which ones. Funny how people who disagree with suicide prevention organizations rarely cite their alternative sources[4].

When Ruby asked why their child wanted to be a girl, the child "didn't really have an answer." You know what? Fair. Why does anyone want to be their gender? Can you explain why you're cisgender, Ruby? No? Didn't think so.

The child mentioned hormones and puberty blockers, and Ruby shut it down because they were "too young." Never mind that puberty blockers are specifically designed to give young people more time to make decisions[5]. Never mind that denying transition-related healthcare is associated with increased suicidality[6].

Instead, Ruby tried to get help through the NHS, where the waiting list for gender services can be over 5 years[7]. Shocking that didn't work out.

Part 4: The Pandemic and the "Bombshell"

The pandemic hit, and Ruby's child did what millions of teenagers did: spent more time online. Ruby frames this as sinister, but let's be real—during lockdown, online spaces were the only social spaces available. For trans youth, online communities can be lifelines, providing support and information that saves lives[8].

Ruby mentions their child stopped wanting family photos, grew their hair long, and shaved their arms. You know what that sounds like? A trans girl exploring her identity in the few ways available to her while living with unsupportive parents.

The "bombshell" Ruby mentions? We don't get to hear it, but given the context, I'm guessing it's either that their child socially transitioned, sought medical transition independently, or perhaps attempted suicide. All of which are predictable outcomes when trans youth don't receive family support[9].

The Real Inconvenient Truth

Here's what Ruby doesn't want to acknowledge: their child isn't "trapped in a trans cult." They're trapped in a house with parents who refuse to see them for who they are.

Ruby writes about their child's depression, self-harm, and suicidal ideation as if these are symptoms of being transgender. But the research is crystal clear: it's not being trans that causes these issues—it's the rejection, discrimination, and lack of support that trans people face[10].

Every major medical and psychological organization recognizes that affirming trans youth's identities is the appropriate standard of care[11]. But Ruby knows better than the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, and the World Health Organization, apparently.

A Letter to Ruby

Dear Ruby,

Your child texted you from downstairs because they were terrified. They were terrified you'd react exactly how you did react, with denial, delay, and public humiliation.

Your "beautiful son" is likely your beautiful daughter, or your beautiful nonbinary child. The light that dimmed? It dimmed because they're suffocating under the weight of your expectations.

You say you don't expect us to understand, but we do. We understand that you're grieving the child you thought you had instead of celebrating the child you do have. We understand that you're scared. But your fear is killing your kid - maybe literally.

The "trans cult" you're so afraid of? It's just other people like your child, trying to survive in a world that tells them they shouldn't exist. The real cult is the one that says children must perform gender exactly as assigned or risk losing their parents' love. The ones who say that your child should be as you want them to be, not for who and what they really are.

Your child didn't get trapped. They're trying to get free.

And you're standing in the doorway.

(To be continued in Part 2)

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Citations:

[1] The Trevor Project. (2023). 2023 U.S. National Survey on the Mental Health of LGBTQ Young People. https://www.thetrevorproject.org/survey-2023/

[2] Warrier, V., Greenberg, D. M., Weir, E., Buckingham, C., Smith, P., Lai, M. C., ... & Baron-Cohen, S. (2020). Elevated rates of autism, other neurodevelopmental and psychiatric diagnoses, and autistic traits in transgender and gender-diverse individuals. Nature Communications, 11(1), 1-12.

[3] Roughgarden, J. (2004). Evolution's rainbow: Diversity, gender, and sexuality in nature and people. University of California Press.

[4] See [1] above.

[5] Coleman, E., Radix, A. E., Bouman, W. P., Brown, G. R., de Vries, A. L., Deutsch, M. B., ... & Arcelus, J. (2022). Standards of care for the health of transgender and gender diverse people, version 8. International Journal of Transgender Health, 23(sup1), S1-S259.

[6] Turban, J. L., King, D., Carswell, J. M., & Keuroghlian, A. S. (2020). Pubertal suppression for transgender youth and risk of suicidal ideation. Pediatrics, 145(2), e20191725.

[7] TransActual UK. (2023). Trans healthcare in the UK: A crisis of access. https://www.transactual.org.uk/healthcare-trans

[8] McInroy, L. B., & Craig, S. L. (2015). Transgender representation in offline and online media: LGBTQ youth perspectives. Journal of Human Behavior in the Social Environment, 25(6), 606-617.

[9] See [1] above.

[10] See [6] above.

[11] American Psychological Association. (2015). Guidelines for psychological practice with transgender and gender nonconforming people. American Psychologist, 70(9), 832-864.