The ‘parental grief’ thing reminds me a lot of the ‘autism moms’ community where there’s also a lot of talk of parents grieving ‘the child they should have had’, instead of this weird defective one they don’t know what to do with. I find it so incredibly harmful and gross.
Like yes, I understand that some kids have more issues than others and it can absolutely be challenging. But the idea of mourning a fictional child over loving and doing the best you can for a real one just sits so wrong with me. And it sends parents down the completely wrong path - instead of looking for ways to connect with the child they have (and thank heavens research has come so far since ABA therapy and there really are many different things to try), they’re focusing on how sad it is that their kid can’t do ‘the normal things’ like the kids next door. Thus robbing themselves of actually knowing their kid, because you know who wants to open up to you and be close if you make it feel like you’re seeing their entire existence as a personal tragedy to yourself? Nobody, that’s who.
It’s an apt analogy. Having family in both “genres”, I concur. Love your kids and get them what they need to thrive. There’s plenty of good reading material out there to help.
As someone who had top surgery, I can attest to how difficult the entire process is and was, and just how thorough all of my medical support team was in ensuring that it was not only the right choice for me but that I got what I wanted and needed out of it. It was an incredibly long road full of appointments, paperwork, insurance hurdles, letters from therapists, and more. This is why it's so painful to the trans community when we hear others toss around this idea that you can get gender affirming surgery on a whim. We can barely access this care even with all of those hoops we have to jump through.
![People with Inconvenient Truths about Transphobes [PITT]](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_36,h_36,c_fill,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep,g_auto/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F704ba0db-3e10-4112-9364-c2f224d0cfae_500x500.png)
The ‘parental grief’ thing reminds me a lot of the ‘autism moms’ community where there’s also a lot of talk of parents grieving ‘the child they should have had’, instead of this weird defective one they don’t know what to do with. I find it so incredibly harmful and gross.
Like yes, I understand that some kids have more issues than others and it can absolutely be challenging. But the idea of mourning a fictional child over loving and doing the best you can for a real one just sits so wrong with me. And it sends parents down the completely wrong path - instead of looking for ways to connect with the child they have (and thank heavens research has come so far since ABA therapy and there really are many different things to try), they’re focusing on how sad it is that their kid can’t do ‘the normal things’ like the kids next door. Thus robbing themselves of actually knowing their kid, because you know who wants to open up to you and be close if you make it feel like you’re seeing their entire existence as a personal tragedy to yourself? Nobody, that’s who.
Thank you.
It’s an apt analogy. Having family in both “genres”, I concur. Love your kids and get them what they need to thrive. There’s plenty of good reading material out there to help.
Yes ❤️
As someone who had top surgery, I can attest to how difficult the entire process is and was, and just how thorough all of my medical support team was in ensuring that it was not only the right choice for me but that I got what I wanted and needed out of it. It was an incredibly long road full of appointments, paperwork, insurance hurdles, letters from therapists, and more. This is why it's so painful to the trans community when we hear others toss around this idea that you can get gender affirming surgery on a whim. We can barely access this care even with all of those hoops we have to jump through.