Letter to a Friend - Part 1

My response as 'the friend'

I wrote this is a fictional account taken from the friend’s perspective and the subsequent letter. If were that friend, this is likely how I would have replied, and how I hope the original author’s friend does as well

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I wrote an email to a long-distance friend the other day, it had been far too long and I recently learned she had surgery on her hand. I reached out to inquire about her well-being and how life is going for her and her family. Yesterday I received a deeply troubling response¹ that left me both heartbroken and concerned. The letter was a stark example of the pain, confusion, and misinformation that can arise when a parent struggles to accept and understand their child's transgender identity.

Perhaps most concerning was the lack of empathy and understanding for her child's experiences and needs. The letter centered my friend's own feelings and expectations, with little acknowledgment of the pain, courage, and resilience it takes for a transgender person to live authentically in a world that often denies and denigrates their very existence.

As I read and re-read the letter, my heart ached for both my friend and her child. I recognized the depth of love and concern that underpinned her words, but I also saw the urgent need for education, dialogue, and a shift in perspective. I tried my best to navigate these troubled waters with nuance and care, while still remaining true to myself and my values - values I realize that my friend and I no longer share. Did I do well? You be the judge and let me know:

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Dear Friend,

I received your letter with a heavy heart and a growing sense of concern. While I understand that your child's transition has been a deeply challenging and emotional journey for you, I feel compelled to address some of the assumptions and mischaracterizations present in your words.

Firstly, I want to acknowledge the depth of your pain and confusion. It's clear that you are struggling to make sense of your child's identity and the changes in your relationship. These feelings are valid and understandable. However, the way you have framed your child's transition as a form of self-destruction, a product of coercion and grooming, and a manifestation of societal tyranny is deeply disturbing.

I understand that you have spent a great deal of time and energy trying to understand your child's identity through the lens of medical literature. However, if your research has led you to the conclusion that there is no scientific basis for transgender identities, I would gently suggest that you may be engaging with sources that confirm your preexisting biases, rather than the actual scientific consensus. The validity of transgender identities and the importance of gender-affirming care are not matters of ideology or dogma, but of rigorous research and the consensus of major medical and mental health organizations.

Regarding the Cass Review that you mentioned, it's important to note that it has been critically challenged and contextualized by experts in the field. I would not put too much faith in that document and would refer you to the York Review as a careful rebuttal. That said, it's crucial to recognize that the Cass Review still supports the provision of gender-affirming care for transgender children and adolescents, albeit with a call for more robust research and individualized care pathways. This is not a bad thing and is in line with the WPATH Standards of Care, which also advocate for individualized care.

Your child's gender identity is not a delusion, a cult, or an attack on you or your memories. It is a fundamental part of who they are, and their transition is a journey of self-discovery and self-actualization, not self-destruction. The societal acceptance and support of transgender individuals is not a form of intolerance or oppression, but a reflection of our growing understanding of the diversity of human experience, rooted in scientific evidence and the principles of equality and human rights.

I also want to challenge why you feel the need to make your daughter's transition all about you. Why are you the victim in this, and a victim of what? By whom? Your characterization of your child's transition as the "complete eradication of his history" is troubling. Transition is not about erasing the past, but about aligning one's outer expression with one's inner sense of self. Your child's history - including your love, your memories, and the experiences you have shared - is still a part of who they are, even if the way they are perceived and referred to has changed. Honoring your child's identity does not negate or devalue that history. I further sincerely doubt that your daughter is demanding deification, and her desire to not be seen or referred to as a boy seems, well, understandable when you put yourself in her shoes.

I recognize that in order for you to do that, you would first have to be open to the idea that your daughter's gender identity and the gender-affirming care model is not dogma, but built on a solid foundation of science. Is someone forcing her to engage in this behavior or ask for this care? Who is the one holding her leash and grooming her? Who benefits from both money and power if your daughter transitions? Where is the cult headquarters located? Who runs the show? I ask all these things not to be confrontational or dismissive, but in an attempt to engage you in some serious critical thinking. No one but your daughter and her loved ones care if she transitions or not. The insurance companies do not make money from this. The doctors, pharmacies, and therapists are not part of some secret cabal to profit off of "transing" your daughter. If it were that profitable, we would see gender clinics on every corner of every commercial center across the nation.

Your child reached out to me recently and shared some of their own experiences and perspectives. They spoke of the profound sense of peace and authenticity they have found in living as their true self, and of the joy of being seen and accepted for who they are. They also shared the deep pain of having their identity dismissed and denied, especially by those closest to them - most of all with you. You have no idea what damage you are doing to her self-esteem and sense of self-worth. She puts on a brave face and she has a good therapist who really helps her keep a positive focus on herself, but you do not hear her asking if anyone else will find her loveable, because after all, her own mother could not. So why would anyone else? I asked her if you tell her you love her, and she says you do, but that it is obvious that when you say it, you mean "the boy I never really was, not me."

Your child loves you deeply and wants nothing more than to have an open, honest, and loving relationship with you. But they cannot do so at the cost of denying or suppressing their fundamental truth. They need you to see them, to hear them, and to support them as they navigate this journey. They need you to love them for the daughter and the woman they will someday become.

I know that this is not an easy path, and that you are grappling with profound feelings of loss, fear, and uncertainty. But I implore you to approach this situation with an open heart and an open mind. Seek out resources and perspectives that challenge your assumptions and broaden your understanding. Listen to your child and the experiences of other transgender individuals and their families. And most importantly, lead with love and compassion, even in the face of your own discomfort and confusion.

That is why I also want to gently push back against the assumption that your child's gender identity is an "escape fantasy" or a product of trauma or confusion. Gender identity is a deep-seated, innate sense of self that is not a choice or a whim. It is a fundamental aspect of who a person is, and it is not something that can be changed or "fixed" through denial or suppression.

Yes, you gave birth to her and knew her from even before she was born. Nothing can ever take that away from you, and no one is trying to do that. I am telling you that who she is inside and what you see on the outside are two different things. Are you telling me that the correct answer is to break down your daughter's very core of who she is, erase it, and force her into a mold you have always assumed to be correct, that you believe society demands of her, simply because of the parts she had when you held her for the first time? Are you telling me that what is between your daughter's legs is more important than what is between her ears, or what is in her heart? I have a son, if you recall. If he had a horrible accident and lost his bits and bob, I wouldn't care. My kids are more to me than the parts they have or do not have. I care about them being happy, well-adjusted, independent, and critical thinkers who, I hope, are a bit more skeptical of the world and dubious claims without falling too much into cynicism. Who have the strength of character and moral fiber to stand up for themselves and what they believe in - even if that is fundamentally different than what I believe. Because above all else, I want them to be happy and secure in themselves. What mother doesn't want this for her sons or daughters?

Your child is not lost or broken. They are finding themselves and living their truth. They need you to walk beside them on this journey, not stand in their way. They need you to be their safe harbor, their advocate, and their champion, as you have always been.

If anything, it seems to me that you are the one who is enforcing gender stereotypes with a near fanatically intolerant and tyrannical vehemency I have not seen before from you. I promise you that if you continue down this path as you are, you will find that you are being manipulated in your most vulnerable crisis state, and you have, are, and will continue to leave a path of irrevocable destruction in your wake. I can only hope that this letter reaches you before it is too late to make things right, both with yourself and your daughter.

I am here to support you and to engage in further dialogue, if you are open to it. I believe that with empathy, understanding, and a commitment to the truth, we can find a way forward that honors your child, your relationship, and the love that binds you.

With compassion and hope,

[Your Name]

P.S. I read the article you linked, and while I appreciate the author's perspective, I found it to be based more on personal opinion and anecdotal evidence than on the established scientific consensus and the lived experiences of the transgender community as a whole. I would encourage you to seek out additional resources and viewpoints to gain a more comprehensive understanding of this complex issue. I found this wonderfully comprehensive and detailed rebuttal:

Debunking Dansereau: The Inconvenient Truth About Affirming Trans Identities

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In sharing this deeply personal exchange, my hope is that it will not only reach the original author, but also serve as a resource and a point of reflection for others who may be struggling with similar challenges. I believe that open, honest, and compassionate dialogue is essential in fostering greater understanding and acceptance of transgender identities. While the path forward may not always be clear or easy, I remain committed to being an ally, an advocate, and a source of support for the transgender community and their loved ones. Together, I believe we can work towards a world where every individual, regardless of their gender identity, is treated with the dignity, respect, and unconditional love they deserve.

1. pittparents.com. Sep 05, 2024. Letter to A Friend, Part One