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To My Dear Friend: Yes, Their Daughter Has Always Been Their Daughter
And yes, this means you are a bigot
This is in response to the anti-trans echo chamber pittparents.com article1
Dear Friend,
Your lunch yesterday sounds exhausting - for everyone involved. I couldn't help but notice how you tiptoed around dropping your "biological reality" bombs like they were casual conversation starters. That must have been quite the performance - sort of like announcing you don't believe in gravity while passing the salt, then claiming it is just an ideology.
I find it fascinating how you claim to "care about and feel compassion" while systematically denying someone's existence over breadsticks. That's quite the party trick. It's rather like saying "I care about you deeply" while repeatedly stepping on someone's foot and insisting their pain isn't real.
You know what's actually instinctual? Compassion. Empathy. The ability to listen when someone tells you who they are. What's not instinctual is writing lengthy letters justifying why you think it's okay to make spaces unsafe for your friends' daughter.
Your argument about bathroom segregation being "instinctual" across "far-flung societies" is particularly interesting, considering public bathrooms as we know them only became common in the late 19th century2. Sex segregated bathrooms came about as a means to, get this, integrate women into the social public sector as we women were so graciously allowed out of the home and into the workforce that staffed new factories being built. That’s right, it was to keep women segregated yet integrated. Sound familiar?3 The Victorian era called - they'd like their moral panic back.
You mention "traditions in this country" - interesting choice of words. You know what else was tradition? Bloodletting, believing women couldn't vote, and thinking left-handed people were possessed by demons. Tradition isn't a moral compass; it's often just peer pressure from dead people. You say that “we don't … have a tradition of coercing people to act according to beliefs they don't share,” yet that is precisely what you are doing. You don’t want to believe science and facts, and you demand that others live according to your definitions and your rules. You believe that laws must be passed to deny people their right to equality, care, and even their own identity.
But equality is not pie, equal rights for trans folks does not mean less equal rights for others.
The real "biological reality" here is that gender identity is supported by decades of medical research and professional consensus. Trans people have existed throughout human history, across cultures and continents. But I suppose that's less convenient than your bathroom theories and "every cell in the body" argument, which, by the way, would fail a modern biology exam.
I agree that we need to protect women's rights and spaces. That's exactly why we need to protect ALL women, including your friend's daughter. Trans women are women, and excluding them doesn't make spaces safer, it puts gender non-conforming cis women and girls under increased scrutiny, and increases the risk of harassment and assault to trans people.4 It just makes things crueler. Trans people are not responsible for your feelings of fear, prejudice, or anxiety.
You're right about one thing: this isn't about "beliefs." This is about respect, dignity, and the basic human decency to acknowledge someone's identity. Your friends aren't asking you to change your chromosomes - they're asking you to show their daughter the basic respect all humans deserve. To be treated and accepted for who they are, not what you want them to be.
Maybe before your next lunch date, consider that true friendship isn't about tolerating people despite who they are - it's about accepting them because of who and what they are today, and not for what they had to overcome and survive to get to today. People with minds, hearts, hopes and dreams, and feelings too. You know, human beings. Just like you.
Then maybe you will value your friends and fellow human beings just as much as you value your sensibilities and entitlement.
With all due respect (and the appropriate amount of side-eye),
A Friend Who Actually Understands What Friendship Means
CW: Transmisia couched in a “dear friend” letter.
N.D.,. (20241211) “To My Dear Friends: No, I don’t believe your son is now your daughter. No, that isn’t bigotry” pittparents.com (Substack) https://www.pittparents.com/p/to-my-dear-friends-no-i-dont-believe
Wright, L. (2960). Clean and Decent: The Fascinating History of the Bathroom. Routledge & Kegan Paul.
Rhodan, M. (2016) “Why Do We Have Men’s and Women’s Bathrooms Anyway?”.(2016) Time. https://time.com/4337761/history-sex-segregated-bathrooms/
Herman, J. L. (2013). Gendered Restrooms and Minority Stress. Journal of Public Management & Social Policy, 19(1). https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/Restrooms-Minority-Stress-Jun-2013.pdf
Outstanding, PITT! I'm going to have to read this again it was so good. We have so many stories to share that might get people to stop their judgments, stop their bigotry, see us as human beings first.
I remember how daunting it was to start going to the men's room. Most transmen go through that. I was horrified and had a bad dream about dropping my packer in the stall (LOL). Having someone look down and say, "What the fuck is this?" Drag me out and kick my ass.
Then I ran across a video explaining the etiquette of the men's room. It saved my life and I never had a problem going there again. Well, except that men are pretty gross creatures in our men's room.
They have no idea what we go through to be our authentic selves. None, Zero, Zip, Nada, Aucune. I had to conquer it, because it was just a matter of time before my beard grew in and women would question me or call the pohleece for my being in the lady's room.
Because of this hysteria around public bathrooms, they're calling the pohleece on lesbian studs now. I saw a video of them dragging a gay woman out of the bathroom with her friends screaming that she's a woman. That's what this bullshit is doing. Cismen dragging transwomen out of the bathroom and kicking their ass or killing them (for all we know). I made this video about my cousin being extremely transphobic with me about the bathroom issue & other things: https://youtu.be/yLgadKi61OY. SMFH
I doubt highly that there has been 1-5 documented incidents of anything nefarious happening in the ladies room by trans women. They do what any woman does in there, including primping in front of the mirror, reapplying makeup, etc (LOL). Transmen are less palpable, so they don't even care that we're in the men's room. This issue has never been about us, because IMO it's about our genitals.
I told a VA nurse to get her mind off my genitals after she misgendered me 5+ times before administering my testosterone shot. She looked at me with confusion and screamed, "I'm not thinking about your genitals. What are you talking about?" Oh yes she was ... subliminally. All the bigots are obsessed with this, like peeping toms or perverts.
Anyway, I'll close with this. They did the same thing towards Black people. The same bathroom hysteria. Water fountains, restaurants, buses, etc ... any public space that could be shared with whites. Then towards the LGB during the AIDS crisis.
I do like the way you write, PITT!
You know what’s interesting, women didn’t really enter the public sector until vaccines were invented because they had to spend all of their time having and raising kids (a good number of which would die before adulthood from disease). But after vaccines one could be reasonably assured that children would live to adulthood and that meant women could be free to be more than just baby producing machines.
Also these bathroom laws affect single parents. What is a mother supposed to do with their little boy when they have to use the public restroom? Or a father and his little girl? They are technically breaking the law by bringing their small children with them.